Top Tips to Support Someone who has Cancer
This blog post is for those friends and loved ones of someone with cancer who really want to help and show their love and support, but are not quite sure how to do it. Or feel scared that what they have to offer is not enough. Or don’t know how to talk about cancer, for fear of “upsetting” the person involved.
Because when your friend or loved one is the one who has cancer, the spotlight is always and only on them. Their medical team and any complementary therapists are only interested in them. It seems that all you can do is watch how one way or another they dig deep, put their “Big Person Panties” on, and push through. You watch them somehow show up at their appointments, get through the seemingly endless anxiety waiting for their scan results and survive the chemo, the surgery, the radiotherapy, the ongoing drugs, whatever it takes to get them through to the other side. They are the one doing the Doings.
And you want to do something to take some of the burden off them, to take some of the strain. But what can you do? What can you say? And really, is it best not to say anything at all, rather than risk saying the wrong thing?
Trust me on this. The vast majority of people with cancer want to talk about it with people they know and love. They want to talk about how they feel, what they’re scared of, and the funny thing that happened in the chemo suite yesterday. And they want to hear about your life, what the kids are doing, what you’ve been watching on TV. They want to talk about all the normal stuff as well as what they have to go through. And they want to have a laugh. A really, good belly laugh, with people they love. With you.
And yes, to be honest, there are great ways to help and some less good ways. So to help you decide what to do, here are my:
Top Tips to Support Someone with Cancer
Ask them how they are doing. And really listen to the answer.
Don’t be scared. Ask them how they are, and then just listen. You can’t really get this wrong. Because your friend / loved one will know that when most people ask them how they are, they just want to hear that they are “Fine”. Which, for your friend / loved one, means Freaked out, Insecure, (k)Nackered and Emotionally wrung out. And they would love to just be able to tell the truth to someone. To you. And don’t think you have to think of ways to make it better, because you can’t. The misery and pain of it is just something that has to be got through. But there are some practical things you can do to help.
Offer to organise a WhatsApp group for updates.
I know this may sound just a small thing, but honestly it will help a ton. Because it is really exhausting keeping up with letting everybody know how you are doing, especially if they are all on multiple social media platforms. I really wish I had thought of this when I needed it!
Offer to do some household tasks.
This is what my friends did for me, and it is golden. Particularly if your friend / loved one is the Homemaker, the stress of not having the energy or the physical ability to do what they normally do is enormous. So, offer to do some ironing. Tidy up and change the bed linen. Clean the bathroom. Take the dog out. Put a wash on. This will help their stress levels more than you can know, and positively contributes to healing.
Offer to come and stay for a couple of days.
Particularly welcome when your friend / loved one is coming home after surgery. Again, friends did this for me a couple of times and it made such a difference. Even though I have a wonderful partner who was there to take care of a lot of things, some things only your best friends can do. Like wash your hair in the sink when you can’t take a shower and you can’t life your arm. Like help you get dressed when you have a drain in and you’re so tired you can’t make the simple decision about what to wear. Like sitting on the sofa with a cuppa, watching Bridesmaids on Netflix for the umpteenth time. Priceless.
Do some batch cooking.
Your friend / loved one will thank all things Sacred and Holy if you are one of those diamond friends who comes round for a day, cooks up a storm in the kitchen of meals that will comfort, heal and soothe them, make enough to put in the freezer and tidy up like you were never there. Great will be your reward in Heaven.
And lastly….
Know when enough is enough.
I never had this problem myself, maybe because my friends know me so well. They never outstayed their welcome or overstepped a boundary. But this can be an issue, so try and be sensitive to it.
Because, wonderful though it truly is to have you around doing some of the incredible things I have mentioned here, there will come a point when your friend / loved one will want you to go.
Going through cancer is unbelievably exhausting in every way and they will probably need some real “down time” to process, kick back and let the day wash over them. Leaving them be when they reach that point is crucial. And they will love you for it.
If you are supporting someone with cancer and you are looking for some support for yourself, book a free consultation with me. I am here for carers as well as those who need the care.